Introverts and the Expat Life

So, having survived our first official FS transition, this subject is near and dear to my heart.  Merriam-Webster defines an introvert as "a shy person : a quiet person who does not find it easy to talk to other people.'  I think introverts CAN learn to talk easily to others and don't always even present as terribly shy. Many learn coping skills and can turn "on" a more outgoing persona when required.  I've learned this over time. At our core though, we find being around other people draining and need time alone to recharge.

Extroverts are a distinct minority in the expat and FS community.  I think the reasons for this are fairly obvious.  Transitions are hard for introverts, they often dislike change and the idea of having to make all new friends every few years is often more horrifying than exciting for this personality type. BUT, just like among extroverts, there are all different types of introverts. I dread change, but I seek it out.  I dislike making new friends, but a clean slate is really exciting.  I think there are definite advantages to this personality type in this lifestyle.  I don't mind being alone.  In fact, I love it.  This can make the isolation that is a definite part of this life something far less burdensome than it is for more sociable people.

I married another introvert AND we are raising 3 introverted kids.  Parenting as an introvert is another interesting topic that I haven't seen fully explored anywhere.  It means that you are always "on".  The ability to turn inwards into yourself and recharge AWAY from others simply doesn't exist.  Especially when they are little and around 24/7. I also struggle with my own tendencies and to have to address them in my kids is pretty difficult.  I dislike making phone calls, for example, but this is generally required in order to be a functioning adult. I also dislike situations where I have to deal with customer service at the phone company, bank, etc. etc.  I will avoid these situations like the plague.  But, once again, they are an essential part of being a functioning adult. So, I do them.  And yes, this lifestyle increases these types of interactions by a thousand-fold.  I know the challenges are good for me, but they can be a definite struggle. Thankfully, a lot of tasks can be accomplished over email nowadays.  This mitigates some of the sting for introverts and allows them to complete the tasks without some of the anxiety that these situations can provoke.  Especially when a different language is involved.

I recently read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I really thought I knew pretty much everything you could know about my personality type.  Turns out, I didn't.  I highly recommend this book for introverts or family members of introverts or extroverts who are curious about the "other side."  It discusses the latest educational models in schools that focus heavily on group projects.  Although these do teach valuable skills about how to get along with others, these types of models typically favor extroverts. Introverts often do not shine in these types of projects. Cubicles and "group think" type environments, which are very trendy in business environments, also are not a great fit for many introverts.  Introverts do their best work and make their most valuable contributions when they have time and space alone to recharge.  I'm a bossy introvert who was very strong academically.  As such, I often functioned as the leader in these types of projects.  But, when it came time to present, I would beg a more extroverted classmate to actually stand up in front of the class.
 

Anyways, it is both interesting and horrifying to watch your own kids begin to navigate the social/emotional world.  To find their fit, what works best for them, how they address their social needs while maintaining their space.  At our previous post, socialization wasn't an option. It came to you.  We lived in a compound where you ran into neighbors at the grocery store, the bus stop, the gym, the pool.  Making friends was extremely easy, even for introverts.  People, quite literally, would meet you somewhere and invite you all over right then and there on the spot.  That was, indeed, our experience on our very first day at the bus stop in Beijing.  At this post, you make your own fun and you make your own friends.  Ample opportunities for socializing exist through the school and the embassy community, but nobody is going to grab you and pretty much force you to socialize. I don't think any of us are terribly lonely. BUT, we don't socialize that much either. It is definitely harder to establish a safety net of friends that you can call in an emergency.  There are definitely lovely people here that would help me if I HAVE to call, but not those friends that you know will help without even asking.  Not yet, anyways.  This is on me. I have to do better at getting out and connecting.  

I think one big difference between struggling with introversion as an adult instead of as a child is that I KNOW what is going on and what steps should be taken to fix it. I know which things have to be done versus being choices.  Kids don't have this insight yet.  I applaud all of my children's courage every time they start a new school and begin this process all over again.  It is so terrifying and I know it is so difficult for them.  I think and hope it is giving them more courage and resiliency.  Their nature won't change, but their confidence in their abilities can and will evolve. 

Playing around in a phone booth, but I really hate the phone:)