Introverts and the Expat Life

So, having survived our first official FS transition, this subject is near and dear to my heart.  Merriam-Webster defines an introvert as "a shy person : a quiet person who does not find it easy to talk to other people.'  I think introverts CAN learn to talk easily to others and don't always even present as terribly shy. Many learn coping skills and can turn "on" a more outgoing persona when required.  I've learned this over time. At our core though, we find being around other people draining and need time alone to recharge.

Extroverts are a distinct minority in the expat and FS community.  I think the reasons for this are fairly obvious.  Transitions are hard for introverts, they often dislike change and the idea of having to make all new friends every few years is often more horrifying than exciting for this personality type. BUT, just like among extroverts, there are all different types of introverts. I dread change, but I seek it out.  I dislike making new friends, but a clean slate is really exciting.  I think there are definite advantages to this personality type in this lifestyle.  I don't mind being alone.  In fact, I love it.  This can make the isolation that is a definite part of this life something far less burdensome than it is for more sociable people.

I married another introvert AND we are raising 3 introverted kids.  Parenting as an introvert is another interesting topic that I haven't seen fully explored anywhere.  It means that you are always "on".  The ability to turn inwards into yourself and recharge AWAY from others simply doesn't exist.  Especially when they are little and around 24/7. I also struggle with my own tendencies and to have to address them in my kids is pretty difficult.  I dislike making phone calls, for example, but this is generally required in order to be a functioning adult. I also dislike situations where I have to deal with customer service at the phone company, bank, etc. etc.  I will avoid these situations like the plague.  But, once again, they are an essential part of being a functioning adult. So, I do them.  And yes, this lifestyle increases these types of interactions by a thousand-fold.  I know the challenges are good for me, but they can be a definite struggle. Thankfully, a lot of tasks can be accomplished over email nowadays.  This mitigates some of the sting for introverts and allows them to complete the tasks without some of the anxiety that these situations can provoke.  Especially when a different language is involved.

I recently read the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I really thought I knew pretty much everything you could know about my personality type.  Turns out, I didn't.  I highly recommend this book for introverts or family members of introverts or extroverts who are curious about the "other side."  It discusses the latest educational models in schools that focus heavily on group projects.  Although these do teach valuable skills about how to get along with others, these types of models typically favor extroverts. Introverts often do not shine in these types of projects. Cubicles and "group think" type environments, which are very trendy in business environments, also are not a great fit for many introverts.  Introverts do their best work and make their most valuable contributions when they have time and space alone to recharge.  I'm a bossy introvert who was very strong academically.  As such, I often functioned as the leader in these types of projects.  But, when it came time to present, I would beg a more extroverted classmate to actually stand up in front of the class.
 

Anyways, it is both interesting and horrifying to watch your own kids begin to navigate the social/emotional world.  To find their fit, what works best for them, how they address their social needs while maintaining their space.  At our previous post, socialization wasn't an option. It came to you.  We lived in a compound where you ran into neighbors at the grocery store, the bus stop, the gym, the pool.  Making friends was extremely easy, even for introverts.  People, quite literally, would meet you somewhere and invite you all over right then and there on the spot.  That was, indeed, our experience on our very first day at the bus stop in Beijing.  At this post, you make your own fun and you make your own friends.  Ample opportunities for socializing exist through the school and the embassy community, but nobody is going to grab you and pretty much force you to socialize. I don't think any of us are terribly lonely. BUT, we don't socialize that much either. It is definitely harder to establish a safety net of friends that you can call in an emergency.  There are definitely lovely people here that would help me if I HAVE to call, but not those friends that you know will help without even asking.  Not yet, anyways.  This is on me. I have to do better at getting out and connecting.  

I think one big difference between struggling with introversion as an adult instead of as a child is that I KNOW what is going on and what steps should be taken to fix it. I know which things have to be done versus being choices.  Kids don't have this insight yet.  I applaud all of my children's courage every time they start a new school and begin this process all over again.  It is so terrifying and I know it is so difficult for them.  I think and hope it is giving them more courage and resiliency.  Their nature won't change, but their confidence in their abilities can and will evolve. 

Playing around in a phone booth, but I really hate the phone:)

Journeys

As I sit here pondering life two days before we leave, I am visualizing all of the different journeys that we face throughout our lives. Our family's current journey is one that can be tracked on a map and measured geographically. Other life-changing journeys might lack the geography, but are no less significant in the grand scheme of things. I have friends facing journeys into new motherhood, ones figuring out what their future holds once the kids grow older, some face retirement journeys. My kids are all starting new phases in school : beginning kindergarten, middle school and high school.  It is scary to start a new journey, but always rewarding. I hold onto that thought as we say goodby to so many people that we love. It is also stunning to me how places can hold so many memories.  My daughter was born in our yellow house and our boys were 3 and 5 when we moved there. All of them hit so many milestones in that house and it is just full of memories.  It was crazy to see it completely empty and with bare walls. Now we are just crossing our fingers that a new family wants to move in and make new memories there.

On a happier note, technology has made our world so much more interconnected than it ever was. I love that I can follow so many of my friends through email, text, phone conversations, blogs and Facebook.  When Chris and I were doing the long-distance dating thing many moons ago, we racked up around $400/month in phone bills.  That was definitely the pre-Internet, pre-Skype era. Of course, it isn't the same as face-to-face communication, but I do think it will help all of us.

Oh, and how exciting is it that Chris is probably about 2 weeks out from holding our bid list!  The list of places where we will possibly spend the next 2 years of our lives. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a picture of our yellow house. Drop me a line if you know anybody who wants a cute family home in Winnetka Heights!

16 days left....

Things I Don't Know

1.  Whether the movers will actually come next week since we don't have actual travel orders and they cannot pack out our stuff without these orders.
2.  The name of the human resources person/travel coordinator in charge of getting these super important travel orders together.
3.  What amount of per diem is authorized for our drive to DC.  How many miles we are supposed to go each day, what we are authorized to spend on a hotel, meals, etc.  It is pretty hard to plan out a route and book hotels without this information.  Yet nobody seems to know this or be able to point us in the right direction.  Maybe our mystical travel coordinator knows this?
4.  How long we will actually be in the DC area.
5.  What exactly I'm supposed to be putting in the various piles I'm supposed to be constructing out of our household effects.
6. How long our family of 5 will have to live in a 2-bedroom corporate apartment before getting transferred to a 3 bedroom (please, please, please). 
7.  What day we are actually leaving on since that really depends on the per diem situation.
8. My actual address and new phone number at this corporate apartment.

There is far, far more but I'm sorting things into immediate vs. long-term concerns.  You know, long-term being things like where we are actually going after our stint in DC.  It is way fun explaining to my daughter that her toys are going with us, but she won't see them until we reach our permanent home after our temporary home. The permanent house in an as-yet unknown country.

Ultimately, this is the life though. I think we all know this going in so I'm really not whining.  As chaotic as it is, it is an adventure for all of us right now.  Everyone is doing their best to take it all in stride.  I think waiting on the bid list will be like Christmas. I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep the night before Flag Day!

Deep, deep denial

So, we have a bit over 4 weeks left to dismantle our entire existence and move our family cross-country -- and then overseas.  I have a staggering amount of stuff to do. I've been in this house for 8.5 years and in this city for most of my life.  Instead of inventorying my belongings, gathering doctor records and photocopying stuff (owning lots of paper appears to be essential for foreign service personnel), I am wandering about drinking coffee and blogging.  Honestly, both Mr. Nomad and I are preternaturally calm.  I think the reality is slow to dawn.  We have wanted this job -- and this life for our family -- for years.  It is stunning to realize that it is actually happening. Unfortunately, there isn't a ton of time to process this. In some ways this is good. Leaving so quickly is almost like ripping of a bandaid. Neither the kids or the adults have too much time to dwell on what it feels like and what it means to leave everything we've known for a very vague and unknown future.

Anyways, finding the right title for my blog seemed paramount to me and there were lots of rejections and false tries.  I think I'm there though. I first heard this Cat Stevens song when I went on a Maryknoll mission trip after high school. I spent most of that summer in Oaxaca, Mexico among Catholic nuns and former Peace Corps folks doing mission work. It was eye-opening to be in that setting and to be among people living -- and raising families -- somewhere other than the USA. 

I'll leave you with some of the things that make our imminent move seem real.  Yesterday I went grocery shopping since our cupboards were literally bare.  Most of the dairy products in the store expire AFTER we leave.  That means we are leaving soon, my friends. I also had to fight my tendencies to stock up on literally everything I buy because my kids eat things like locusts.  The second time I had to face reality was when trying to enroll the kids to start school in Virginia.  The automated enrollment form asked for two local emergency contacts. It actually wouldn't let me move on to the next registration page until I provided this information, I, of course, know nobody at all in Virginia.  I called Mr. Nomad who was also flummoxed. He suggested putting the main state number down (ring, ring, why yes Ms. Clinton there are some kids here who need a ride home from school). Ha.  A dear friend here (who is a former VA resident and still owns a home there) came to the rescue and provided me with a list of contact names and  numbers.  So, it is indeed, a wild world, but a smile and friends help a lot.

Terror and Excitement

So, you know the old adage about being careful what you wish for? We are living it this week.  Mr. Nomad and I have wanted to join the foreign service for literally forever.  We even gave it the old college try about a decade ago.  He passed his IMS orals in DC, our family then passed our security and medical clearances -- only to sadly fall off the list due to hiring issues. We decided to try again this last year.  I will admit that I was rather blase about the entire thing. Once burned twice shy and all of that.  This time was different though. The list was shorter and our prospects seemed better.  That said, I think we were both deeply in denial that this whole crazy foreign service thing might actually happen. Then last week (while relaxing on the beach), Mr. Nomad got the email confirming his spot in the September orientation and training class.  Eeeek!  I will say that the experience was very similar to each time I took a pregnancy test.  While thrilling and hotly anticipated, confirmation of something so life changing was also accompanied by shock and terror.

We arrived back from a relaxing week at the beach last night and I came to the stark and abrupt realization that I have to say goodbye to everyone I love, pack up my entire life, sell my house, sell a car or two, sell my beautiful new washer and dryer (they are red and beyond beautiful), register my kids in a new school and move across country in less than a month.  We will stay in DC/Virginia for a bit, then repeat this entire process in early February.  Oh, except then we'll be moving to one of the 285 U.S. diplomatic facilities scattered throughout the world.  Did I mention that we are kick-starting our adventure with a cross-country road trip with 3 kids and 2 cats?  We arrive the day before labor day and then my kids will start school in on September 4.  Adaptability and flexibility are hallmarks of success in the foreign service. I think you also have to be persistent and incredibly patient with the layers of government bureaucracy intrinsic to an organization this huge and complex.