On a recent playdate, Violet uttered a phrase that encapsulated one of an ex-pat mommy's worst fears. When told that it was time for her and her friends to clean up her room, Vi responded with "Don't worry, ayi will do it." She has only been here 5 months and she is clearly already growing accustomed to one of the big perks of life abroad -- household help. We will definitely not always have help. There are many places in the world where regular help is even more expensive than it is in the United States. When we live back in the states, full-time help is definitely NOT an option on our extremely modest ONE-income government salary. Although domestic employee wages are definitely on the rise in China, it is still fairly affordable to have full or part-time help here. We have part-time help and my children are clearly growing accustomed to having somebody help with their laundry, tidy up and make their beds, etc.
This situation does highlight another challenge of raising kids abroad. In many countries, like China, there is simply no middle class. There are rich folks and poor folks. All of the trappings of a middle-class life, such as a house with indoor plumbing, a washer and dryer, televisions, DVD players, a safe car, etc. etc. put us firmly in the ranks of the wealthy here. The house that we live in here would be a nice, normal middle class home back in America. Yet living in a house like that here vaults us into the ranks of the wealthy in the eyes of the people living around us. Our kids go to English-speaking international schools abroad because when you move around every 2-3 years that is really the only way you will be able to get an education. These schools also enable our children to have access to a curriculum and support services somewhat similar to those we found back in the United States. International schools are often populated by foreign nationals who really are quite wealthy. Many of my kids' friends have drivers who drop off a hot lunch every day. They are spending their summer break at their villas in Italy or Switzerland. My kids get to hang out at our compound and swim and perhaps go on a trip to Guangzhou where Chris is going for business. Their driver and cook? Well, that would be me! Oh, and they get a PBJ sandwich with some fruit and chips most days.
I'm honestly not too worried about my older two kids believing they are wealthy and entitled to household help. I feel that the many years they have spent in the states grubbing out our home on weekends have given them a good idea of our station in life. Violet will be our true "third culture kid" experiment since it is highly likely she will spend the next decade or so abroad. I want to raise her to be humble and grateful and thankful for the many things that we really do take for granted. Poverty in the United States does exist and it can be truly hard, but much of it is different from the poverty we will see overseas. Here in Beijing, conditions seem much better than in parts of India or Africa where many people encounter starving children and people camped out in shantytowns on a daily basis. Plus, China's economy is growing with leaps and bounds, which means that there is a sense of upward mobility among the people here. There are lots of new drivers with bright shiny cars and lots of flashy stores and malls appearing.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I do worry about the sense of entitlement--but not enough to do without our ayi. I do have several friends who have recently given up household help and gone "ayi-free" so that their children will continue to gain experience doing basic household chores. I'm not quite there yet. I'm still uncomfortable that somebody else is doing the chores that I hate, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I also love it. I can't tell you how fabulous it would have been to have an ayi when I had several very young kids and babies in the house. It is pretty fabulous now, but would have made those early years a lot less challenging. Right now, not having to spend a Saturday morning barking at my kids and micro-managing their cleaning efforts is worth a great deal. I could certainly change this view at some point, but am enjoying the help quite a bit right now.
That said, we are going to launch the "great laundry experiment" this summer. I plan to make the big children accountable for doing at least some of their laundry every week. I've always sworn I will not raise boys who don't know how to do laundry or cook basic things. Yet, that is exactly what I am raising. Now that I have a teen and a kiddo on the verge of teen-hood, it seems wise to begin to address these shortcomings. Perhaps I'll throw some weekly cooking lessons in there as well. I'm also paying more attention to ensuring Violet picks up her own room every evening BEFORE our ayi comes so there is no expectation of the magic cleaning fairy arriving and putting things back in their places. I'm hoping that by setting some firm boundaries and emphasizing the values that are important to us, I can help our children emerge from this lifestyle without being thoroughly and completely spoiled rotten.
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